FADE IN:’s blog

Little Emily has proved herself a valuable pet.  Last night she captured and killed her first rat.  What a good kitty!!!  She's been stalking this rat for some time.  Well, if not this rat, then one just like it.  They come into my orange tree at night and eat my oranges.  Bad rats!  And Emily sits out there patiently every night hoping for her chance.  I've heard her miss a few but last night, she got the bugger.  She wanted to bring it inside, but luckily I saw what was happening and got the sliding glass door closed before she dropped it inside and made me scream.  It was still alive but it didn't take long for either her or Dickens to dispatch it.  Hopefully it didn't suffer too much with the usual cat game of toying with the thing before killing it. 

Well, I am getting up earlier to do my exercise, but for some reason work is once again giving us earlier than usual call times.  I'll have to be up at around 5 a.m. tomorrow just to get to work on time.  Somehow I don't think I'll be getting up at 3:30 so I can exercise.  So, I have decided to switch back to cardio for the moment.  I will return to the weight routine as soon as my niece leaves town.  Or maybe I'll do a session when I have an opportunity but right now I'm just finding myself not exercising at all and that's unacceptable.  So, back to the quicker, easier cardio session for now. 

There have been so many things on my mind lately.  One thing I've been thinking about alot lately is age and wisdom.  I know when I was younger, I would hear about the wisdom age brought and while I understood the concept, you can't really imagine just what it is you'll be so much wiser about.  When you're young, you really do believe you understand the world.  It isn't until later that you realize how in the dark you were.  Or actually just how stupid you were.  What I think it really boils down to is not understanding the consequences of actions and thus being rash in what you do.  For instance, when leaving my Saturday morning breakfast place, there are several ways to leave.  One is to go out onto a side street, wait for a light to change and turn left and then go up a block, wait for the next light and turn left.  Or, I can drive down the alley, and make an illegal left turn on the street I want in the first place.  For quite a while, I did the alley.  Why wait for lights when I can just go down the alley quickly?  Yes, it's sort of a blind entrance onto the street. There are clearly marked signs saying not to do it but I'd done it safely many times.  And then one day I evaluated the situation.  Every time I do that I put myself at risk for causing an accident or getting a ticket if I get caught.  After all, it's Saturday and it's not like I have anywhere pressing to go.  Is saving a few seconds at a light really worth those risks?  It suddenly dawned on me it was not.  So now I obey the law and wait at lights.  I'm sure some 20-year-old kid would laugh at my caution and law-abiding ways.  Who cares?  I'll let them deal with the drama of tickets and accidents.  There are lots of other examples I've thought about in my life.  It seems I've somehow turned a corner in the age/wisdom area.  I've left the impetuousness of youth behind and moved into a more reasoned life.  To a kid that probably feels stodgy and old..  To me It feels like release from stupidity. 

In the past I've commented that I wish the human brain had a reset button just like a computer.  Something goes haywire?... hit the reset.  Thinking screwed up?... hit the reset.  Last night I REALLY wanted a reset.  I don't know what set me off, but suddenly I was filled with rage and hurt at D.  No matter what I tried to distract myself with, my stupid brain would quickly flit back to D... the things he said at first and then the complete disregard for me that followed.  I just kept going over it and over it.  I suppose this is all part of the process off letting go, but it annoys the hell out of me.  I just want to stop thinking about him.  I want to forget he even exists.  I couldn't sleep well.  All I wanted to do was fall into the bliss of nothingness that sleep brings.  Then I knew I wouldn't be thinking about him.  But I had one of those nights where you do sleep, but you aren't sure you did.  The only reason I knew I got some sleep was when I finally got out of bed I remembered a snippet of a dream.

So, at the risk of once again sounding like a whiney, pathetic loser I will try to expunge some of the feelings I'm having.  The thing that has frustrated me in my adult dating life is that I have to realize men's feelings are like light switches.  When the switch is flipped on, you are so important.  They tell you everything you've ever wanted to hear from a man.  They are attentive.  It really does feel nice to be valued.  And then, for whatever reason, the switch flips off.  It might only be 30 minutes after the flip switches, and they have already forgotten about you and moved on.  They no longer see you as anything more than the dog doo they accidentally stepped in and now can't wait to wipe you off.  The person they once valued so highly no longer even deserves and explanation.  They seem angry that you want to hold them to their words.  "So what that I once said I thought you were wonderful and cared deeply for you.  It's not true now so get over it?  I don't want to waste even a second on you to reduce your pain because I no longer think of you as human."

Maybe it's just me.  Maybe most people are like this and I'm just weird.  My emotions don't just turn off and go cold.  In college when I was the one to actually end the relationship, it took me months and months before I could feel that cold.  I kept dating him during that time and only after all those months and draining emotions, did I finally end it.  Even now I keep in occasional contact with him because of the fondness I feel for him.

But time after time since then, for no discernible reason, I've had several guys go from talking about marrying me to walking away without explanation.  The pain I feel is excruciating and the one thing that would help would be to talk things through... give me some understanding... help me in future relationships.  But that's the one thing they refuse to do.  Why bother talking to the dog doo?  The same guy who once had nothing but sweet words, now could care less if I'm in pain and seems to enjoy adding more to it. 

And it's for that reason that I don't even know how to scrape together an ounce of trust in anything a man says or does.  The only thing I can cling to in this latest disaster, is that if I'd been paying attention, I would have realized this from day one D's actions never matched his words.  He maybe showed incredible loyalty and dedication to other people, but not once was that ever displayed for me.  I just assumed that his divorce had done enough of a number on him that he wasn't behaving like himself.  That's my part in it.  Because I'd known him for so long and seen how he treated others, I put more trust in him that his actions towards me deserved.   I won't make that mistake again.

Okay, enough venting.   On the good side of things, I got back on the scale today.  Despite vowing not to overindulge after my illness, I did just that over the weekend.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  But when I hopped on the scale today I was quite pleased to see I haven't gained an ounce.  I was so sure once I started eating solid food again, that 5 lb loss would show back up.  But, something has definitely shifted in my appetite.  I ate my usual breakfast out on Saturday and found that about 1/2 way through, I didn't want anymore.  I'll occasionally have a piece of chocolate but it doesn't call to me like it used to.  In fact, I grabbed some chocolate when I first got to work and it's almost 2 hours alter and I haven't eaten it yet.  Basically, I'm full on 1/2 of what I used to eat and no longer crave snacks.  That perhaps could explain why I haven't gained any weight despite not being fully back into my workout routine.  Let's hope the appetite thing continues.

I think I've gotten more done this morning than I did all of yesterday.  I woke up at 7 and just decided to go, go, go.  An hour or so of yard work.  Grocery shopping.  Picked grapes which I will crush and boil tonight to make grape jelly.  And various other little errands here and there.  Feels good to be productive.  Tonight I'm staying after work to help a coworker who wants to write a comedy sketch but doesn't know how to write.  He can be a little bit of a pain in the ass but hopefully he won't drive me too crazy.

Since I got my new sofa, the cats have discovered various features that they enjoy.  This has a high puffy back that leaves a groove between it and the wall the couch is up against.  Emily has learned that this is a great place to lie on herr back and play with my hair.  This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't chew on it.  Before I realized what she was doing, she once chewed off a big chunk of my hair. 

In this photo, she is not slipping down the couch.  She is actually lying this way in order to try to reach my hair when I leaned away from her.

After that she settled into her groove.  She was giving her armpit a good licking when she suddenly just stopped and stared.  It looks like some form of cat yoga or something.

Cats!  You just gotta love 'em.

Today I dragged myself out of bed and knew I had to get back to the weight routine.  So much of last week was spent weak and tired that I had not done the routine in a week.  I got a late start and now that I'm having to leave so much time before eating and working out, it's going to be harder to fit this routine in unless I start getting up earlier.  I guess I'll have to do that.  I wasn't sure how much of this routine I should attempt.  Should I try to go right back to where I left off, starting the final phase of the workout?  Or was that going to be too much?  Should I go back to the phase I was in?  Should I just try the basic workout?  Since in phase 4 you do two of every exercise, I decided I would go through the routine once and whatever I was capable of, or whatever I had time for, I would do two of.  I'm sorry to say, I'm a wimp.  I only made it through the basic phase 1 workout.  The sweat was pouring off of me.  I felt weak and shaky.  What a wuss.  I could miss 2 weeks of cardio and pick up right where I left off.  Perhaps that tells me how little of a workout I was getting with just the cardio.  I'm going to try for the phase 2 workout Wed and the phase 3 workout on Friday.  That way I can start back up with phase 4 next week... just in time to be interrupted by family visiting.  Oh well.

I had a very productive weekend.  Not only did I accomplish all the goals I had put off from last weekend because of being sick, but I got a whole lot more done as well.  I finished de-devil grassing my lawn... well the main part of it.  There is still a portion of grass that is outside of the lawn proper and I have to go through that before applying the weed and feed.  But the hours and hours of back breaking work are behind me.  I did go back to the original portion of the lawn and a great deal of the bad grass has regrown.  But it's still nothing as bad as it was and I'm hoping the weed and feed will help take care of that.

I also got about 1/2 way through my Weeds spec script.  I sat down yesterday with the treatment I had written the day before and just banged it out.  It's awful.  I have a couple of Weeds shooting scripts and the dialogue is witty and sparkling.  Mine is heavy-handed and dull.  But I know it's just a place holder.  If I didn't write any dialogue until they were all witty lines, I would have continuous writer's block.  Once I get the whole thing out, I have to have faith that somewhere in my brain I will find the most clever way possible of saying what I need to say.  For now it's just really important to get it on the page so I can polish and hone.

Long before there was this creative explosion that gave me hope for life after my current job, I had realized that my time there is limited.  I can't list any reason I feel this way.  There's just s growing sense that it's almost over if I can just hang in a little longer.  I still despise going there, and yet it doesn't weigh on me like it did.  My mind and heart are no longer there.  I don't think it will be much longer and my body won't be there either.

I'm not quite sure what's in the air, but I am suddenly having an explosion of creativity.  In the past 24 hours I have come up with an idea for a romantic comedy, a one-hour drama series, the plot for a "Weeds" spec script, and an on-line social networking concept that could make me a multi-millionaire.  I pitched it to my breakfast buddy this morning.  She works for a major web company and knows how to make my vision a reality.  She immediately saw the possibilities and after breakfast we drove to her place for a brain-storming session.  We're letting it percolate a few more days before convening again to discuss more ideas.  She'll then work on mock-ups of the pages, talk to a friend about doing the programming and go from there. This is probably one of the most easily started, and most marketable ideas I've ever had.  This could be big... even if we just end up selling the concept to a larger firm.  The payout wouldn't be nearly as much, but neither would the investment and it would still likely be enough to allow me to quit my job and write full time for several years.  Very exciting.

And now, just in case you haven't had your heart strings tugged today, I will leave you with my favorite YouTube video of the moment.  I've talked with some people who don't believe animals can feel emotion.  I would defy anyone to hold that point of view after seeing this video.  And if you don't tear up just a little bit, then it's you that has no emtions.  Enjoy.

Yesterday was not a good day in my world.  It started out great.  I felt so good after feeling so miserable.  Having been out of it for the first few days it was like waking up and suddenly realizing the week was almost over.  Traffic wasn't bad.  I was ready to tackle the rest of the week and get to the weekend.

I was with a coworker in the commissary ordering lunch when a voice in my ear said, "Hi."  I turned and there was D.  The lying, toying with, exercise ball-keeping jerk.  I was so stunned I just said, "hi" back and had nothing else to say.  He said, "Exercise ball, right?"  I said, "yes."  He said it was in his office.  And then what was there to say?  He moved on and spent his time talking with someone else.  Then I decided to just take charge.  I went to him and said, "Should I just come get it?"  He told me where it was and that was then the plan.  I picked up my food and left though my appetite was suddenly gone again.  I choked a little of it down and then went to his office hoping he was still having lunch in the commissary.  Of course he was sitting at his desk.  He got the ball for me, I said thank you and left.  Thus endeth another complete dating disaster in my life.  Hopefully I've learned my lesson once and for all.  Unfortunately for me, now that I have the ball back and can put him behind me, I think he's been assigned to our show off and on over the next few weeks and I'm probably going to be running into him at work far more frequently.  Great.  When I want him around he's not there, when I want him gone, he's suddenly everywhere.  Figures.

But the day only got better.  I had been hired to do an extra day at work next week.  It's on a different stage so equipment has to be rented and brought in.  I consulted with our production people, explaining it would be best for me if we rented an equipment package, but then plugged a piece of equipment from the studio into it so I would be familiar with the software.  They agreed and said when it came time to do that, they would conference me in so all could be worked out.  Next thing I know, they called the guy without me and decided to rent his entire package and leave my equipment out of it.  When I asked why I was told there was less chance of error that way.  I said, "Well, as the operator, I have to disagree.  There is less chance for error when the operator using the equipment knows and understand the equipment they are using.  I explained it was a matter of plugging one cable into one machine vs. the other machine.  There is no chance for error.  They said they'd get back to me.  When they do, this producer person, who has been behind a desk her entire life and knows nothing about actual technical production, has the balls to tell me that it is a much more complex matter than plugging one cable in.  I interrupted and said, "No, it's not."  I explained a similar situation where they brought someone in to replace me when I was gone and they brought their equipment and plugged it into our system so she could be more comfortable and do a better job.  It's no different.  They finally made another phone call and backed down.  And this is a great deal of what's wrong with producers... they don't have a @#%@ clue about anything technical, but they're the ones making all the decisions.  They don't respect the very people they hire enough to listen to their years of expertise.  And in our case, it's added to by a corporate culture that believes all crew people are greedy, lazy and corrupt.  I'm sure she thought I was somehow trying to rip the production off by using my equipment which as far as I know, they're getting rent free and saving money on.  Jackasses.

And the final straw was when I got out to my car and found a car had parked so far out of the lines and so close to me, I could barely get my door open.  My bag barely squeezed through and I doubted I could fit.  However, after shoving my door against the side of their car a time or two, I discovered I was able to just get my fat body in.  Hope they enjoy the ding.

I have tomorrow off with absolutely no plans.  Maybe I'll finally have my afternoon of hammock, margarita and reading fun.

Before I get to the McDonald's portion of this blog, I'll talk about yesterday's earthquake.  I've been in several, the biggest was the Northridge quake back in 94.  I was within 10 miles of the epicenter back then so I know what a good shaker feels like.  This was the first one I was in while at work.  We were having a lively conversation about electric motorcycles when there was a jolt and the building started to shake.  Everyone got very quiet while we waited to see what would happen next.  The shaking stopped and we relaxed but then there was another little jolt and shaking and our TD said, "Everybody out."  So we and only a dozen or so other employees filed out to stand in the hot sun in the parking lot.  I wasn't feeling well as it was and after about 10 minutes in the sun I stated, "I'm going back in."  The rest followed after that and there was no more shaking.  While sort of being teased for being one of the few who evacuated I simply answered, "Of all the places in the world I could die, I simply don't want to die at this job."  The TD replied, "Yes, this must surely be the gateway to hell."  We shared a laugh and got on with the day.

Physically, yesterday was a bad day.  I ate my usual breakfast but found the nausea didn't go away.  It simply got worse.  I packed some bananas and applesauce to take to work but I knew I had no desire to eat them.  A coworker brought me some flat 7-UP and that helped some.  Later we found a Ginger Ale and I sipped on that all day.  At one point I went to the commissary to see if I couldn't spot something that appealed.  After walking the food line several times I simply gave up and went back to the stage.  How can any food appeal when all you feel is nausea?  Later in the afternoon I nibbled on a 1/4 of a turkey sandwich on toast with cheese, mushrooms and avacado.  I looked at that and felt it should have sent my stomach roiling but to be honest, it sort of settled it down. Hmmmm.

So on the way home from work I talked to the friend who recommended the BRAT foods.  I asked her what on earth I could possibly eat?  I knew I needed to eat something.  Based on what I was describing, she wondered if my stomach had been empty so long and had an overproduction of stomach acid.  Her recommendation was to go get a hamburger and fries.  I was just coming up on a McDonald's so I pulled in, ordered a plain hamburger and fries and took it home.  I was skeptical.  The bun appealed to me for some reason, but the fries did not.  Even as I was eating them I worried I was making a huge mistake.  The hamburger seemed dry and tasteless.  I ate it anyway and waited for my stomach's revolt.

20 minutes later, as I was zoned out in front of the TV, I suddenly came to and realized I felt fantastic.  No nausea.  No sour stomach.  I felt stuffed to the gills for the first time in 3 days.  I felt utterly amazing.  I'm happy to say I slept soundly through the night and feel absolutely normal today.  Who knew McDonald's was actually good for something?!?!?!?

BTW, to show how long it's been since I ate a McDonald's Hamburger... my friend recommended it and I said, "Oh those little burgers that cost like .59."  When I pulled up I was surprised to see they were .99.  Guess it's been awhile.  As it should be.

My stomach woes continue.  I don't really know what's going on, I just know I don't feel good.  Yesterday, despite feeling pretty normal, I continued to eat my BRAT foods.  For one thing, I had them left over and since what I usually eat is high fiber, I figured I better get rid of them and I figured giving my stomach another day to rest wasn't a bad idea.  The problem was, as I mentioned yesterday, right now when my stomach is empty, I feel nauseous.  And when you feel nauseous it doesn't exactly make you want to eat.  It's a vicious circle.  There's also a side of me that can get a little fanatical about food.  When I get into the weight loss mind set, I can verge on an eating disorder.  I say verge so don't get too freaked out.  I went full fledged down that path as a kid and trust me, I couldn't stay there long.  But as someone who can often be all or nothing, I can have trouble finding balance with food.  What's really awful was that it was reinforced when I got on the scale again this morning and discovered I'd lost another pound.  But not to worry, I can't stand feeling the way I feel.  I woke up throughout the night feeling sick to my stomach so I didn't get much rest last night.  I suppose I should have just eaten something, but I'm not one of those middle-of-the-night-grazers.   I just ate my fruit/protein shake and yet I'm still feeling a bit nauseous.  I'm hoping that will pass when the food begins to digest a little more.

I have to make another serious attempt to get my negativity back into positivity.  I'm making my first steps as I'm becoming more aware of repetitive thoughts and bringing them to an end.  On my commute home last night I seemed to attract every dip shit on the planet so that is usually a pretty clear sign to me that my energy is really awful.  Get this... I'm in a long line of cars going up a one lane road.  I'm not a tail gater, but I don't leave huge amounts of room between me and the car in front either.  It's maybe a car length or two on a road where we're only going about 30.  And yet, despite me being the last car in the line, a car parked on the side of the road felt it was imperative to pull out in front of me to join the flow of traffic.  He left 3-4 car lengths in front of him so at another corner, another car felt it was imperative for them to pull out with 2 cars left in the parade.  And this guy couldn't seem to figure out how to drive over 20 mph so it took forever to get through the area.  Then I was sitting at a stop light.  i had been there for some time when a car pulled up next to me in traffic.  I had, had no confrontations with anyone.  There were no lane change incidents.  I hadn't seen this car until then.  There were two young kids in the car.  One kid in a twisted baseball cap and dark sunglasses threw something out of the car then looked back at me.  I didn't react despite thinking he was a jerk for littering.  I said nothing, did nothing.  As the light changed, we pulled away.  I was behind yet another incredibly slow driver so when it was clear I changed lanes to go around him.  This put me behind the kids in the car.  They changed lanes and turned, and as they did the driver leaned out the window and started screaming at me.  I have no idea what he was yelling.  I don't know what the issue was.  Perhaps he was telling me how beautiful I was and that he really wanted to spend the rest of his life making me deliriously happy, but somehow I don't think that was what was on his mind.  That commute was all I needed to realize that I have to get my energy changed.  Who knows, maybe that will help my stomach too.

It feels good to feel better.  I didn't eat a whole lot yesterday but what I did eat stayed down so that was great.  Now I'm at a point where I know I should eat, but I don't exactly trust my stomach.  The problem is, I feel nauseous when my stomach is empty but I don't really want to eat.  So today I'm continuing to eat very light and bland.  Tomorrow I may go back to more normal food.  One benefit, after yesterday I found the courage to face the scale today.  I figured the numbers would be about as low as they had been in awhile.  I was right. 

Now, I have to make a shameful and embarrassing confession.  Though I swore I wouldn't, I am watching Big Brother.  I hang my head in shame every time I admit this.  I wasn't going to watch it but when I realized I had Showtime at the moment because I'm watching Weeds, then Dexter and Californication.  Big Brother shows live, unedited feeds on Showtime every night after 9 p.m.  So, since I had access to that, I ended up watching the first episode just to see who was in there and what their personalities were like.  Then I got hooked.  Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

Anyway, last night, feeling crappy I spent a lot of time with the TV on.  Part of that time I turned on Big Brother and was watching them go off in their little groups to scheme and gossip.  Based on the intensity these people are putting into their conversations, you would think the future of the universe is at stake.  Each offense they feel they have suffered becomes a massive issue which must be discussed and played over and over again.  Methods of retribution and revenge are planned in detail.  Schemes for how to get what they want are hatched and changed as each new offense is committed.  These people are locked into this building where their entire universe is this game. 

It made me think about life.  Are there being/entities/whatever who are outside of our planet trapped in the timeline and watching us get completely bent out of shape over our various slights and offenses?  Are they wondering why we get so caught up in the details of a life that is no more real than the Big Brother house is?  It really gave me a different perspective on things.

Which brought up another thought.  Is mindless TV really so mindless?  Or is it the boob watching the tube that is mindless?  Yes, I'll admit that Big Brother is a waste of energy and time.  Yet, it sparked a line of introspection that is still going on.  Not such a waste really, at least for me.  Next time I begin to get caught up in some slight, perhaps I need to remember Big Brother and get over myself.

This is a very unusual day for me.  I'm spending it in bed.  This was not planned.  It certainly wasn't wanted.  I woke up at 2 a.m. last night feeling very strange.  I ended up running for the bathroom, though I wasn't sure which end of me should use the facilities first.  I sort of slept after that though it wasn't restful.  I woke up at 6:30 and decided to have a sip of water.  I couldn't keep that down.  I went back to bed.  I woke up a little before 10 and tried the water again.  This time it stayed down.  I called a friend of mine to chat and asked what she thought I should try to eat.  She brought up BART or BRAT or something.... Bananas, rice, applesauce and toast.  I have none of those foods in my house.  I have rice, but it's wild or brown rice and not the easy to digest substance I need.  So after our conversation I hung up and went on a trek.  This is one of those times that being single really, really sucks.  I went to the store and bought those BRATty foods.  So far I've kept down a cup of organic applesauce and a slice of toast.  I think I might just try a cup of chicken and rice soup.  And then later I might just splurge on a banana.

it was a little frustrating since I had planned to exercise today.  I don't see that happening... perhaps not even tomorrow.  I  imagine I'll be pretty weak for a day or two.  I had left a few household tasks to be finished today and I don't really feel up to them either.  Guess that's a good reason to do all my chores on a Saturday.

I've tried to figure out just what my problem is.  Is it food poisoning?  Salmonella?  A bug?  Dunno.  I went to the grocery store yesterday and bought some chicken.  The package was wet and a bit sticky.  Did I get raw chicken on my hands and touch my mouth or food?  I made some delicious pina colada frozen yogurt... was there something bad in that?  We ate at a different restaurant for breakfast yesterday?  Was it something from there?  I have no idea and doubt I ever will.  On the good side, I'm intestines have to be clean as a whistle and I probably will lose a pound or two.  But just writing this is wearing me out so I think I'm going to turn off my laptop and go back to sleep.  What a way to spend a Sunday.